"REAL Talk With Nelle Belle"

BIRDS OF A FEATHER

The old saying “birds of a feather flock together” holds true when it comes to friendship. Many people become friends as a result of some type of similarity. For instance, when I was growing up I was friends with people because we attended the same schools, were in the same age group, enjoyed similar activities and knew the same people. Our flock was one that migrated together in and out of season.  Once we reached senior year some of us flew high and others flew low. I was a high flyer but for some reason I felt that my loyalty to my flock meant that I couldn’t soar too far away from its members.  My decision to go to college, being an honor student, cheerleader, and a vibrant and confident person already made some of the members of the flock question if I thought I was better. The truth of the matter is that although I grew up in a small town I’ve never had a small town mentality. So my decisions to do well didn’t make me better by any means. I may have been more ambitious than some, but definitely not better. Maybe it was those summers spent in the city or maybe it was the fact that I’ve always wanted more than small town barriers, small town drama, and small town dreams. When I came to this realization, I should have separated from the flock, but of course I didn’t.

I am the type of friend who feels that if we are friends, we are friends no matter what. Even if we only talk once a month, once a year, or once a decade I never devalue my friendships. I recently reunited with a childhood friend whom I haven’t seen nor spoken with in ten years. She’s married with a child; I’m single and child-free. She’s white; I’m black. She’s in Florida; I’m in North Carolina. But I will never forget our childhood memories and when I saw her, it was like we’ve never missed a beat. That’s the way true friends should be. Neither distance nor time should create awkwardness between friends.  I’ve encountered some friends who feel that if we go three days without talking that we have a problem. I have had many friends come and go throughout the years. But there are a few who have remained true and I have learned that instead of dragging along old baggage or picking up new baggage it’s best to focus on the core group.

 I’ve never looked up the definition of a friend because I thought I knew what a friend was.  In my book, a friend is someone you can trust, who always has your best interest at heart, and who will be there through thick and thin. A true friend is like family, you may fight and disagree, but at the end of the day, loyalty always prevails and your bond cannot be broken. Upon doing research I found that my definition of a friend is different from the dictionary’s definition. Perhaps this is the reason that many friendships last only for a season. The dictionary defines a friend as:

·         A person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

·         A person who gives assistance; patron; supporter

·         A person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile

·         A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.

·         A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.

·         One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement

According to these definitions, a friend can be temporary rather than a permanent fixture in one’s life. This has been my struggle. Holding on to temporary friendships because I thought friends were supposed to be permanent.

After watching season 4 of Basketball Wives I began to notice some similarities between those friendships and the friendships I had with my old flock.

Females would often band together simply to outcast another female. Friends became friends simply because their shared the same disdain for the same individual. It sounds so silly now, but it still happens. The episode in which Evelyn, backed up by her “fans” (Tami, Shaunie, and Suzie) exposed Jenn’s secrets made me question the difference between male and female flocks. What was the point of harassing Jenn to have a talk when all Evelyn did was discuss Jenn’s flaws? Was that an attempt at reconciliation or crucifixion? If Evelyn’s fans were her friends, they would have put her in her place. The same goes for Tami and her juvenile attack against Kesha. My guy friends can get into an all out brawl with one another, sleep with the same girl, etc but they always shake hands and keep it moving.  They never rush to tell any secrets or bash their friends. There is a something like a guy society with unspoken rules, or the G-Code that is rarely violated. Males may be the more immature gender when it comes to many things, but they have us females beat when it comes to friendships.  If Evelyn and Jenn had been friends for 12 years, why would a blog, a few weeks without talking, or new friends be the cause of such a nasty feud?  If Evelyn claims that Jenn was fake, a whore, etc, then what does that say about Evelyn? Birds of a feather do flock together right? Why would you condone her behavior for so many years and then air out her dirty laundry when she decides to move on with her life? To me, that means you were never a friend from the start. Maybe Jenn decided to move on with her life because her old ways had gotten old or because she was sick of negativity and bullying. Maybe she and Ev were in two different places in life and that is perfectly fine. People grow up and often grow apart. If your flock is smoking weed, still fighting, bullying, etc. and you aren’t about that life, then fly away with birds that have the same feathers as yourself.

I find that in real life, when females stop being friends they often run to social networking sites, the telephone line, and the bull horn to talk about their friend turned nemesis. I will never understand why private matters are always made public in today’s society.  If I feel disrespected and have decided to be done with someone, I erase them from my vocabulary and part of my memory. As the fabulous Coco Chanel put it “I don’t care what you think about me, I don’t think about you at all.” I’ve experienced ex-friends who I haven’t spoken with or seen in over two years who make it their business to run and tell my old business. Anything they can think of or make up from the past 15 years, they dish it out. Why such the urgency to tell it all now? You were a cheerleader when many of the events occurred. Why do females feel that if we don’t like someone then no one else should? Sure, I’ve had my share of disappointing moments when it comes to friendships, but the friend I was in the past was the only friend I knew how to be. I am far from perfect and I’ve made plenty of mistakes as a person and as a friend. But I think it is time that we come up with the Girlfriend Code. Our G-Code needs to bring the sister back into sisterhood. The G-Code should prevent us from getting mad over every little petty thing, talking behind each others’ backs, and airing out dirty laundry that was supposed to be tucked away in the corner of the dark basement. Our G-Code needs to represent integrity, honesty, love, respect, and support. It should erase jealousy, malice, and competition amongst friends.  Sadly, I am not sure that the G-Code will ever last between females as a whole.

 Thank God for college because it was there that I learned and experienced the true meaning of friendship. Now I am older and wiser and in an effort to come a better woman spiritually I realize that it starts with loving people, even my enemies. I pray for them as much as I pray for my friends. Beyond loving people, if you want to be a positive and successful person you have to surround yourself with like people. You cannot take swimming lessons from drowning people. Surround yourself with people who lift you up and push you to be the best you can be, but don’t mind telling you when you are wrong. When I say telling you, I mean you and not everyone else. If we expect to grow we often have to make changes and those changes may need to start with your circle. Remove all of the squares because you will find that they will only be road blocks on your journey. Understand that some people are fun to party with, but when the sun rises and it’s time for business you may have to leave them behind.  Never be afraid to separate from people who bring you down. It is hard to fly with broken wings.

Written By: Nelle Belle